I Found the BANNED Chapter of "How To Win Friends and Influence People"

The Hidden Fifth of Dale Carnegie: What Was Erased from "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

This video explores a largely forgotten chapter in publishing history: the systematic removal of the entire fifth section of Dale Carnegie's iconic 1936 book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. The creator, a researcher with a background in education history, investigates why Carnegie's wife, Dorothy, heavily redacted the original work after his death, excising an entire section on marriage. The video argues that this censorship has hidden some of Carnegie's most profound and practical wisdom, and that the surviving text offers only an incomplete picture of his philosophy.

📖 The Suppressed Fifth Part

The core narrative revolves around the discovery that the original 1936 edition contained five parts, while all modern versions contain only four. The creator scoured the internet to find a first-edition copy and uncovered the content of the missing section, which focused entirely on marriage. The reasons for its removal are twofold:

• Outdated Gender Norms: Dorothy Carnegie officially stated that Dale's views on marriage were outdated for the 1980s, reflecting the 1930s era in which most women were homemakers.
• Scandalous Revelations: The creator posits a darker motivation: the chapter contained blunt, unflattering critiques of famous historical figures, which his wife may have wanted to suppress.

The chapter opens with a shocking example: Abraham Lincoln's marriage to Mary Todd Lincoln. Carnegie describes it as "the great tragedy of Lincoln's life," detailing how Mary Todd "nagged and harassed all the joy out of Abraham." He recounts an incident where she threw a cup of hot coffee in his face in front of friends. Carnegie's conclusion was blunt: "the most charitable thing one can say about her is that her disposition was probably always affected by incipient insanity."

💡 The Lost Wisdom on Marriage

The suppressed section goes beyond scandalous anecdotes, offering a deep framework for relationships.

The Foundation of a Good Marriage: Carnegie argues that a successful marriage is not built on mutual attraction or shared interests, but on admiration—the feeling that you are lucky to be with the other person. He uses the example of British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli, whose wife, Mary Anne, was described as "old, ugly, and dumb" by contemporaries. Yet, she lived for her husband, and the hours he spent talking with her were the happiest of his life. The key lesson: non-interference. As Henry James put it, "The first thing to learn in intercourse with others is non-inference with their own peculiar ways of being happy."

The Power of Trivialities: Carnegie asserts that most marital unhappiness stems from "trivialities," not grand tragedies. A judge who reviewed 40,000 marital disputes agreed. Small, consistent acts of kindness—like a wife waving goodbye or a husband sending flowers—are more impactful than grand gestures. Love, as Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote, "went away in little ways."

Respect, Courtesy, and Sex: The section strongly emphasizes treating a spouse with the same courtesy one would show a stranger. Carnegie notes that it is only with family that people dare to insult, knowing they will stick around. The most scandalous part of the suppressed chapter argues that the leading cause of marital unhappiness is an unhappy sex life. He recommends reading specific books on the topic (in 1936), which was apparently too scandalous for the 1981 edit. The chapter ends with a list of ten questions for husbands and wives to self-evaluate their marriage, including:

• For Husbands: Never criticize your wife in front of others; give her money to spend as she chooses; share at least half of your recreational hours with her.
• For Wives: Refrain from criticizing your husband's business decisions; meet financial setbacks bravely; compromise small differences for harmony.

🧠 Confidence, Charisma, and Connection

Shifting from the lost chapter, the video synthesizes broader advice on building social skills, confidence, and charisma.

Three Mindsets for Confidence:

1. Play to Win, Not to Lose: Instead of trying to avoid making a bad impression, actively try to make a good one.
2. Internalize "You Will Be Okay": No matter the social outcome, your fundamental worth is not at stake. This allows you to take risks.
3. Act Before You Feel Confident: Confidence is the result of taking bold action, not a prerequisite for it. The video uses Chris Evans and Don Draper as examples of people who project confidence despite internal nervousness. Don Draper's story illustrates the deepest layer: the belief that "no matter what, you will be okay," which allows for vulnerability and authenticity.

The Formula for Charisma (from Princeton research): Charisma accounts for 82% of how other people perceive you. It is a combination of two things:

• Warmth: Signaled by nodding, tilting your head, and showing you are listening.
• Competence: Signaled by speaking slowly, confidently, and with a downward inflection.

Actionable Techniques for Making Friends and Influencing People:

• The Reciprocal Liking Concept: Act genuinely excited to see people. Our brains are primed to like people who we know like us.
• The Benjamin Franklin Effect: Ask someone a small favor. Their brain will rationalize that they must like you, or they wouldn't have done it.
• Be a Conversational Velcro: Provide multiple topics in your responses. The more "hooks" you offer, the more likely the other person can connect.
• The "I was just thinking of you" Technique: This simple phrase builds connection when used authentically. It shows the person they occupy your mental space.
• Go Low-Stakes First: Build "warm relationships" by learning the names of the barista or cashier. This foundation makes a community feel welcoming.
• Normalize the Ask: A simple, direct approach like "Do you want to be friends?" works surprisingly well.
• The Familiarity Effect: Talk to strangers as if they are already friends. Skip the pleasantries and jump into a genuine, funny observation.

🔥 Key Takeaway

The erasure of the fifth part of How to Win Friends and Influence People represents a significant loss of practical wisdom. While some gender norms are indeed outdated, the core principles—admiration, non-interference, respect for trivialities, and a healthy sex life—are timeless. The lesson is that the most meaningful influence is not about manipulating strangers in a boardroom, but about building deep, respectful, and loving relationships with the people who matter most. The true power of Carnegie's work, when restored in its full form, is not just about making friends, but about sustaining the most important ones.